05-29-2014, 11:07 PM
I like the conversation with "it", or yourself. I agree with other posts, however, that the center justification is kind of unnecessary and makes reading awkward. See below for some comments:
(05-22-2014, 09:42 AM)Jambalaya Wrote:[/i]My thoughts are not real, it proposes
Observations should be questioned
Can't make any assumptions
I'm not sweating, it lies
Negativity should be shunted --why "shunted"? not to sound nit-picky, but 'shunted' is kind of a weird word? makes me think of a sword fight or something.
Can't feel embarrassed
I'm getting better, it maintains
I should be glad
Can't be broken
Walk the traveled road, it insists
One should trust others
Can't ignore them
They are calling me names, it claims
I should be taken seriously
Can't let them use me
Screw all of them, it cries out
I should need no one
Can't be dependent on anyone --this line is longer than the rest and therefore sounds chunky and difficult to read
Lets get wasted, it suggests --get wasted? until now, the voice has seemed detached and mature. but here, it sounds like a college kid - which if you are one, that's fine, but the voice is inconsistent.
Should be useful to unwind
Can't let them stress me
It is me, it confesses
Should have me worried
Can't right now --not sure I understand this last stanza...
