05-29-2014, 01:30 PM
I have little to say that QDS hasn't already, I just wanted to elaborate on the rationale or lack there of, regarding certain things.
I have a hard time with the lack of equivocation about what is occurring in the other person's mind, that is if I am reading this correctly. Let me rephrase:
he dreamed on your shoulder of Asahi cold and popcorn gold, and a park built just for dogs to play.
How does the speaker know this. This sort of subtle slip can ruin a poem for the reader, because if they are aware of such at the conscious they will become distracted from the reading trying to understand how she would know this. If it happens unconsciously it will still spoil the poem for the reader, they just won't have a conscious rationale for why.
Why the inversions of "Asahi cold" and "popcorn gold", when the more natural thing would be "cold beer" and "golden popcorn". Sure you lose the internal rhyme, but that was awkward at best. As "Asahi" is fairly unknown, and there is really no rationalization to note it specifically, and every reason to use the generic "beer", because your audience will understand what you are talking about, why do so? One of the difficult lessons to learn as a poet is that the poem is not about us or our gratification. SO while something may be personal to you, that is not sufficient cause to include it if it makes the poem weaker.
The last two lines, although weak, are sweet and genuine enough to stand, as the uncertainty, like in a semi-sleep state allows this, although I wouldn't make a habit out of it. As QDS noted they verge on cliche, the only saving grace is the uncertainty.
Best,
Dale
I have a hard time with the lack of equivocation about what is occurring in the other person's mind, that is if I am reading this correctly. Let me rephrase:
he dreamed on your shoulder of Asahi cold and popcorn gold, and a park built just for dogs to play.
How does the speaker know this. This sort of subtle slip can ruin a poem for the reader, because if they are aware of such at the conscious they will become distracted from the reading trying to understand how she would know this. If it happens unconsciously it will still spoil the poem for the reader, they just won't have a conscious rationale for why.
Why the inversions of "Asahi cold" and "popcorn gold", when the more natural thing would be "cold beer" and "golden popcorn". Sure you lose the internal rhyme, but that was awkward at best. As "Asahi" is fairly unknown, and there is really no rationalization to note it specifically, and every reason to use the generic "beer", because your audience will understand what you are talking about, why do so? One of the difficult lessons to learn as a poet is that the poem is not about us or our gratification. SO while something may be personal to you, that is not sufficient cause to include it if it makes the poem weaker.
The last two lines, although weak, are sweet and genuine enough to stand, as the uncertainty, like in a semi-sleep state allows this, although I wouldn't make a habit out of it. As QDS noted they verge on cliche, the only saving grace is the uncertainty.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.