05-29-2014, 08:55 AM
Hi Chris. I love the rhythm of this and as a Newb wouldn't presume to mess with what you have. I could offer a word choice for your consideration. I am stuck on Brownlie's comment...
"A relationship can't waltz on a dagger's edge. - You may want to play with this refrain. the word "relationship" may be bogging it down"
- The word relationship only seems uncomfortable to me that first time it appears. I wonder if you could apply the word "partner" or even "partnership" in some form, as I think it nicely alludes to both marriage partner and dance partner and might tie them together nicely. I'm new to Villanelle, but a " pensive partner" or "prudent partner" might not destroy your rhythm. Wonderful read. Thanks.
"A relationship can't waltz on a dagger's edge. - You may want to play with this refrain. the word "relationship" may be bogging it down"
- The word relationship only seems uncomfortable to me that first time it appears. I wonder if you could apply the word "partner" or even "partnership" in some form, as I think it nicely alludes to both marriage partner and dance partner and might tie them together nicely. I'm new to Villanelle, but a " pensive partner" or "prudent partner" might not destroy your rhythm. Wonderful read. Thanks.