Dragon Killer

[ellajam]

Hey, Dale, some of this is very well said and some is confusing, but it strikes me as a bit too informational and missing something to spark my imagination. Here are some notes, maybe they'll help.

Dragon Killer

Riding bikes in and out of the smoky tail
of Smog the DDT dragon. I'm unsure if it's Smog the DDT Dragon or smog (punctuation) that the DDT dragon is riding it's bike through.
Killer of the ubiquitous “Texas Horned Toad” Confusing non-sentence, a little punctuation might go a long way.
the last bastion against the pervasive hoards
of South American “Fire Ants”. Do you need the quotes?
'Green Flag' acting only as a buoy, acts? Evocative lines here.
set rocking back and forth, finally tipping over Maybe lose or move "over"
as wave upon wave crashed onto our shores
making Normandy look a small thing by comparison. Seems insulting to those who took losses at Normandy, maybe you can find something else here.

By God we eradicated the mosquitoes for a time,
giving rise to the sixties summer backyard barbeque,
Frisbee, Slip and Slide, and Hula Hoops.
Pest free except for chigger invading swollen genitals;
until EPA jet fighters slew the dragon
and mosquitoes returned with a vengeance.
Well done above, nice job isolating that golden era, and now the dragon is clear.

Tipping a wing to their new Axis allies
the fire breathing ant hoards,as they roared past, Can you cut the...hoards, you've already said it and this is another confused sentence, and did you mean for a period at the end?
Between the mighty triumvirate
of fleas, mosquitoes, and fire ants,
it was only a short time before
they would retake the outdoors that was once theirs;
sending the human young fleeing inside
to bury themselves in video games. Interesting to blame this problem on the bugs instead of the technology and/or overworked parents.
Forgetting forever the adventures of
Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer,
tree houses, and rope swings, Again, lovely.
or that trees were made for anything other than oxygen production. This seems overly optimistic for this poem, they aren't even appreciated for that.


–Erthona


©2014

I hope this helps, sorry I can't give more specific punctuation suggestions, I'd probably lead you astray. Interesting read, thanks for posting it.