05-22-2014, 12:44 PM
This part of Hamburg looks and feels Siberian
retracing chubby childish fingers
along the footnote creased in exile.
Its air has intake and a bit of spring
that sends the leafy shadows quivering
against the patchy asphalt.
Its scent of apple trees in bloom
is hanging like a green halo and caught
between my highs-strung ankles –
For I am overturned this spring,
watching the dusk descend
down my hair – its very ends
I tied to ancient bells in bronze,
announcing summer’s
coming.
Somewhat echoing Wjames' comment I think L1 would be great as L3. I like "leafy shadows quivering" but feel I have to stop and wonder what the high strung ankles line means. I'm sure it means something to you but it is a hiccup to read. I actually really like the last sentence. But I think breaking it up might make it flow better and possibly gain momentum, For my taste it would read more powerfully as...
I am overturned this spring.
I watch the dusk descend down my hair to the very ends
I tied to ancient bells of bronze
to announce summer
Great read, Thx.
retracing chubby childish fingers
along the footnote creased in exile.
Its air has intake and a bit of spring
that sends the leafy shadows quivering
against the patchy asphalt.
Its scent of apple trees in bloom
is hanging like a green halo and caught
between my highs-strung ankles –
For I am overturned this spring,
watching the dusk descend
down my hair – its very ends
I tied to ancient bells in bronze,
announcing summer’s
coming.
Somewhat echoing Wjames' comment I think L1 would be great as L3. I like "leafy shadows quivering" but feel I have to stop and wonder what the high strung ankles line means. I'm sure it means something to you but it is a hiccup to read. I actually really like the last sentence. But I think breaking it up might make it flow better and possibly gain momentum, For my taste it would read more powerfully as...
I am overturned this spring.
I watch the dusk descend down my hair to the very ends
I tied to ancient bells of bronze
to announce summer
Great read, Thx.

