No Longer Dancing

[ChristopherSea]

(My NaPM Villanelle that ellajam encouraged me to workshop)
Well, I applaud you for the villanelle I tried several of these and they're not so easy to pull off! The dancing reminds me of that poem "My Papa's Waltz."


No Longer Dancing

I won’t dance the mambo on your window ledge;
hoof a soft-shoe in quicksand, bogged down by woe. -- I think you may want to tinker with these statements that explicitly link your poem to highly abstracted emotions.
A relationship can't waltz on a dagger's edge. - You may want to play with this refrain. the word "relationship" may be bogging it down and the daggers edge idea may be somewhat clichéd, although its not so bad. To alter a refrain here would be considerable effort.

Your last volley of insults has driven a wedge- Maybe include the details of these insults.
deeper than that hollow from where your voice bellows. -- This is an interesting line.
I will not do the mambo on your window ledge. -- This is the more powerful refrain in my opinion. I do like the alternating dancing styles, though I know nothing about the rhythm of these dances.

There’s no enduring passion left for you to dredge
up; I nearly drowned once in your cruel undertow -- Connecting dredge and undertow is pretty cool, but I would probably see what others have to say about it as well.
in a relationship waltzing the dagger’s edge. -- Well, you alternate the refrain a bit but you are varying its use which is a good thing. If you could vary it without altering the line that would be all the more impressive, but I suppose that is sort of a petty concern.

From a forest of guilt, this lovebird has fledged
your wretched nest, which harbors nothing but sorrow. -- The abstractions of guilt and sorrow seem to be holding the poem back. If the reader can infer the abuse or the dysfunction I think it would be more powerful.
I won’t dance a last mambo on the window ledge

on my term's final eve. I've cleared the boxwood hedge.
Your love seat of thorns sits empty, now that you know
that I will not waltz with you on a dagger’s edge.

You’re banished from my life; this is a sober pledge. -- Maybe make this line flow more smoothly the interruption in the middle with the semicolon seems to disrupt the rhythm. Which you may want or not.
A new vista’s rousing. Can you hear the cock crow? -- Cock crow reads as a spondee to me.
I’ll never dance the mambo on your window ledge.
A relationship can’t waltz on a dagger's edge. -- The connecting of the refrains can be the most powerful part of a villanelle and this is not bad.

Not a bad attempt here though its been awhile since I've studied this form. Hopefully there's something in my comments that can help you. I would hate to ruin your poem!

Brownlie, Much obliged for your close read and detailed critique. I believe that I could convert that 'relationship' to 'marriage' and 'dagger' to 'stiletto' easily. I strove to vary the repeats for both meaning and reduction of monotony (perhaps it did not work). Some of those explanations that you request will be very difficult in the confines of the villanelle form. However, I will see if anything strikes me. I know what you mean about abstraction, but those chosen are not obscure ones, especially in the context a relationship gone foul and their use being drafted within the context of metaphors. Additionally, and even more problematic is that two them are in the forms of strict rhyme. Nonetheless, I can look at them. I will also try a comma in place of that semicolon. Thanks for your time and the help. /Chris