05-21-2014, 10:29 PM
[quote='ellajam' pid='165302' dateline='1400676535']
Good Morning, Chris. The first thing I think you have to consider is the matter of meter. Milo's definition of a villanelle in the practice threads states that it needs a fixed meter, usually IP. A google search brings up it's history as a ballad and says while a strict meter is not required the refrains should match up and the center lines should match well. We may slug this out as a separate discussion elsewhere, but I'm going non-metered here.
I love your refrains, both such strong images which say the same thing in two distinctive ways. To my ear they go well together and I don't have the desire or skill to mess with them. I like the way you've been able to twist them a bit.
While the center lines are fairly consistent in length, I think it might help the poem to at least start them on the same accent. I think this a tweak that could be done without wrecking anything.
I've read this many times for enjoyment and need more time to offer you specific options for improvement, but props for posting it, it promises to be an interesting thread.
Thanks Marcella. I will always go with the no meter option. I don't have the ear for it. In fact, its so tin riveted that many perfectly IP poems can sound off to me.
I think this is why I am not musical as well.
I am not sure what you mean by starting the center lines on the same accent. I did try to use some enjambment and not have every phrase terminate on its own line or stanza for the matter. Only the rhymes align. Do you want me to eliminate that? For example end on 'dredge' and delete 'up' instead of carrying it to the next line. I was trying to eliminate that end-chop that most rhyming poems have.
Good Morning, Chris. The first thing I think you have to consider is the matter of meter. Milo's definition of a villanelle in the practice threads states that it needs a fixed meter, usually IP. A google search brings up it's history as a ballad and says while a strict meter is not required the refrains should match up and the center lines should match well. We may slug this out as a separate discussion elsewhere, but I'm going non-metered here.
I love your refrains, both such strong images which say the same thing in two distinctive ways. To my ear they go well together and I don't have the desire or skill to mess with them. I like the way you've been able to twist them a bit.
While the center lines are fairly consistent in length, I think it might help the poem to at least start them on the same accent. I think this a tweak that could be done without wrecking anything.
I've read this many times for enjoyment and need more time to offer you specific options for improvement, but props for posting it, it promises to be an interesting thread.
Thanks Marcella. I will always go with the no meter option. I don't have the ear for it. In fact, its so tin riveted that many perfectly IP poems can sound off to me.
I think this is why I am not musical as well.I am not sure what you mean by starting the center lines on the same accent. I did try to use some enjambment and not have every phrase terminate on its own line or stanza for the matter. Only the rhymes align. Do you want me to eliminate that? For example end on 'dredge' and delete 'up' instead of carrying it to the next line. I was trying to eliminate that end-chop that most rhyming poems have.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris