Masks

[ellajam]

Hi, nb, there's a lot to like here. There are some interesting rhymes, particularly force it / corset and glimpse/ crimps. Force it/ corset is just perfect to me. I like the routine/ routinely and mask/ unmask. I think you could tighten this up into a consistent meter, though unfortunately, I can't be the one to help you with that. Here are some notes.

Hi!

I wrote this for Purim 2013. More spiritual angst.

Twisting, contorting as we try to force it
and stuff ourselves in life's corset,
playing a thousand roles with nary a fuss
leading, supporting, but never us.
I'm not a fan of nary, and you need some punctuation after fuss, but a great opening.

No more maddening scheme could be devised,
on display, in the open, yet disguised,
as we slog along, not dance, not hike
being who we must, not who we'd like.
Maybe a ; after devised? I suck at punctuation, but I know there's something off there. Hike seems there just for the rhyme, not up to the rest of the poem.

But comes Purim and the briefest chance
to offer the world, and ourselves, a fleeting glance This line seems too long.
of who we are, in garb and mask.
Dare we now take up the task?

To hide? Without, perhaps. Huh? This makes no sense to me.
But inside something deeper taps. Love this line, and the 2 below.
The mask offers yet a glimpse
of what routine routinely crimps.

Under cloak of a Purimspiel
take a dare, be brave, be real!
Choose a mask but if you do,
know that the mask might unmask you.

Nu?

nb

Thanks for posting, I enjoyed the read.