05-15-2014, 01:40 AM
NB, Zitsgoood, I love the original StarTrek reference and that royal hottie was a fine piece of alien…you know.
Your poem is intriguing, especially in the light of the other material you reference. I don’t think anyone would pick up on those Jewish themes and appreciate the depth of your extended metaphor without them until they hit 'seder' in stanza three (thanks for the notes).
Some of the punctuation seems off for me, specifically: you need a comma after awe, I would put one after fall, a coma or semicolon might serve you better after alive (the lines are intimately connected), a comma after weeds might be more apropos than the semicolon.
I don’t feel that stanza three comes off as parenthetical thought, therefore the parenthesis is not needed.
I could put two more commas in the closing stanza after hollow and sky. One thing I noticed with the close was what felt like some filler to maintain that five line stanza standard you set for the poem.
Also, running seems to contradict the carefulness taken not to break the thin walled sphere. Perhaps, some more brevity and soft-shoe could be considered for a stronger ending. For example, (not strict re-write): ...hollow, but I fear to touch the fragile sky and I pace softly to keep my balance...
You get the drift; see what you think. Good luck with your next edit and welcome to the site./Chris
Your poem is intriguing, especially in the light of the other material you reference. I don’t think anyone would pick up on those Jewish themes and appreciate the depth of your extended metaphor without them until they hit 'seder' in stanza three (thanks for the notes).
Some of the punctuation seems off for me, specifically: you need a comma after awe, I would put one after fall, a coma or semicolon might serve you better after alive (the lines are intimately connected), a comma after weeds might be more apropos than the semicolon.
I don’t feel that stanza three comes off as parenthetical thought, therefore the parenthesis is not needed.
I could put two more commas in the closing stanza after hollow and sky. One thing I noticed with the close was what felt like some filler to maintain that five line stanza standard you set for the poem.
Also, running seems to contradict the carefulness taken not to break the thin walled sphere. Perhaps, some more brevity and soft-shoe could be considered for a stronger ending. For example, (not strict re-write): ...hollow, but I fear to touch the fragile sky and I pace softly to keep my balance...
You get the drift; see what you think. Good luck with your next edit and welcome to the site./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris