Conundrum

[ellajam]

Hi, I deleted your notes in my reply because I'd rather not read them yet, let the poem stand on it's own. There's a lot I like here. Here are some notes.

Once the fence inspired awe You may need some punctuation here.
now I run atop the posts.
I could very well fall
but at least I'm alive.
I can tell because the fenceposts prick my feet.
I think this start is really effective. I know the fence you speak of, I'm not sure whether or not I would need more explanation if I didn't. You'll find out.

Others see green grass
but I see weeds;
hallowed ground for them,
hollow ground for me,
where my feet grow heavy on the old familiar paths. I'd cut "where."

(I had seder in the House of Rimmon,
awash in bitter herbs,
where hopes are stillborn
and dwindle into fantasies,
that four cups couldn't drown, but not for want of trying.)
I like the above a lot for the rituals that often don't have the desired effect, but I'm not a fan of the first line or the parentheses. Possibly "seder" might be replaced with a more universal description and I don't know what the "House of Rimmon" is, if it's yours why not let me know that?


I know the world is hollow
but I fear to touch the sky
lest it shatter
and my family be caught in the wreckage.
So on I run, trying to keep my balance, but at least my feet hurt.
Again, I like this. I would reconsider "trying to keep" and aim for something more visual as you did at the beginning.


Howzat?

nb

Thanks for the read, I hope my notes help if you consider an edit.
Again, welcome.