I Shall Not Get Drunk Today

[Brownlie]

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Well, I definitely think you're operating under your abilities on this one, but it's always fun to critique a little bit.

I shall not get drunk today,
I haven’t the money anyway,
a half week before pay day, -- The rhyme is very sing-songy which can be worked with I suppose if you want to take a simple piece and do something crazy with it.
and as I open up the frig,
I spy behind the lemon fizz,
just one small and tiny beer,
pretending it’s not even there,
“I’m invisible it seems to say.”
No, I shall not get drunk today.

There’s yard work that I need do,
a big pile of doggie poo, -- I think the poem begins to err when it results to being lazy to fix the meter.
tools left by… I don’t know who. -- A tool is one of those higher levels of abstraction, but there is room to work with that on a rewrite.
When I open the garage door,
I see messy messes here galore, -- Messy messes is really pretty bad.
sitting there upon the floor,
today I think I won’t be bored,
and in my will I will not sway.
No, I shall not get drunk today.

I’m going good, worked up a sweat,
though I’m not nearly half done yet,
but soon I think, yes soon I’ll bet.
Overheated, yes I think,
a glass of water from the sink,
opening the frig I say “Oh dear!”
Without a pal, there is that beer,
friends he needs to make him cheer’,
so to the store I’ll make my way.
“God damn! I shall get drunk today!”




This isn't worth a serious work-shopping, but there is plenty wrong with it. Poor thing, needs someone's help. Inspired by the poem of the day(though not nearly so good), "Ballade of Suicide" by G. K. Chesterton. His is in five, mine barely makes four.

–Erthona

©2014

Well, you've got a somewhat simple poem with very lazy meter and a somewhat corny set of rhymes, but there is a clear narrative which is more then I can say for some of the things I've written. This would be a fun source for a rewrite.