05-12-2014, 06:27 AM
I don't feel that I exist
I feel like the slipped disc of a
solar eclipse
But because the darkness groans like someone left too long alone,
I feel the painful sting
which means, alas,
that I persist
To tear the ordinary, everyday stuff out of your poem, the things in bold could be cut and punctuation rearranged. If that leaves you with little of a poem, it's just something to think about adding to.
I feel like the slipped disc of a
solar eclipse
But because the darkness groans like someone left too long alone,
I feel the painful sting
which means, alas,
that I persist
To tear the ordinary, everyday stuff out of your poem, the things in bold could be cut and punctuation rearranged. If that leaves you with little of a poem, it's just something to think about adding to.