05-11-2014, 01:34 PM
Come with me
come with me(capital for Come)
and I will take you to a place, (lose comma)
where you can step aside and contemplate, (lose comma)
the summation of your days, (summation sounds as if their life is drawing to a close)
the wealth of your estate,
and ask those questions that are lurking in your mind, suppressed (long line, consider splitting after questions)
for fear (of) the answers that they'll give.
why do we live the life we do. (capital for Why needs question mark)
are we conditioned to our fate.(capital for Are, needs question mark)
born,lived and died (tense problem – perhaps ‘born into, living and dying’ and skip the starting ‘to’ in the next line)
to a life that is alien.
is this the only way, (capital for Is)
to just recycle history.
or are we (so) snared, trapped, blinded
by our beliefs.
that we listen to the preachers lies
and make believe them true.
these freedoms that we share,(capital for These – but why would you want to ‘undo’ shared freedom, as the third last line indicates?)
these illusions of our mind,
these shackles that we bear,
from start to end,
how can they be undone.(question mark)
come with me and see, (capital for Come)
if there is another way.
Has potential, bit of a tidy up and it’ll be better. Welcome to the forum, Marianne
come with me(capital for Come)
and I will take you to a place, (lose comma)
where you can step aside and contemplate, (lose comma)
the summation of your days, (summation sounds as if their life is drawing to a close)
the wealth of your estate,
and ask those questions that are lurking in your mind, suppressed (long line, consider splitting after questions)
for fear (of) the answers that they'll give.
why do we live the life we do. (capital for Why needs question mark)
are we conditioned to our fate.(capital for Are, needs question mark)
born,lived and died (tense problem – perhaps ‘born into, living and dying’ and skip the starting ‘to’ in the next line)
to a life that is alien.
is this the only way, (capital for Is)
to just recycle history.
or are we (so) snared, trapped, blinded
by our beliefs.
that we listen to the preachers lies
and make believe them true.
these freedoms that we share,(capital for These – but why would you want to ‘undo’ shared freedom, as the third last line indicates?)
these illusions of our mind,
these shackles that we bear,
from start to end,
how can they be undone.(question mark)
come with me and see, (capital for Come)
if there is another way.
Has potential, bit of a tidy up and it’ll be better. Welcome to the forum, Marianne