05-10-2014, 05:20 PM
I've left the forum, but I got a notice about this poem, so I thought I'd take a look.
I think you're heading in the right direction with your revisions. You've got more specific references in the poem, and I prefer your new ending.
I recently had an insight about writing. I used to focus on the beauty of the language. Now, however, I focus like a laser on the message that I'm trying to convey; once I've done that, the language comes more easily. To that end, I'd suggest that you decide what your central message is (in this case that you'd like to be a liver). Once you are sure of your central message, think of the ramifications -- in this case, why you want to be a river, how it would make you feel, what it would do for you, how you would relate to the world, etc. Wanting to be a river is something that I can't personally relate to, but it must have meaning for you or you wouldn't be writing the poem. Focussing on the meaning should help you write the poem.
You may know all this already, of course. I think I'm mentioning it because it's new to me. When I had that insight it helped me to realize why so many of my poems have gone unfished: I wasn't sure of what I was trying to say.
I think you're heading in the right direction with your revisions. You've got more specific references in the poem, and I prefer your new ending.
I recently had an insight about writing. I used to focus on the beauty of the language. Now, however, I focus like a laser on the message that I'm trying to convey; once I've done that, the language comes more easily. To that end, I'd suggest that you decide what your central message is (in this case that you'd like to be a liver). Once you are sure of your central message, think of the ramifications -- in this case, why you want to be a river, how it would make you feel, what it would do for you, how you would relate to the world, etc. Wanting to be a river is something that I can't personally relate to, but it must have meaning for you or you wouldn't be writing the poem. Focussing on the meaning should help you write the poem.
You may know all this already, of course. I think I'm mentioning it because it's new to me. When I had that insight it helped me to realize why so many of my poems have gone unfished: I wasn't sure of what I was trying to say.