05-08-2014, 09:47 PM
On this night I sit
in the back alley of dreams, of two-some minds
in mid-spring bloom - right now
when we none of us can fail or care <"when we none of us"? nonsensical>
to know the future.
I knew your face before, it sang
beneath the shades of unsung trees
etched on my life line –
eyes for embers and mouth for mirror
covered with black velvet.
I started like a bird this night, a cooling drift
across my midriff; and all that was,
was fair, we've come
full circle.
Sorry, but I gave up on line by line, too much trouble. The writer just seems to be throwing out any phrase that comes to mind and seeing if it sticks. The last sentence is a run on.
I started like a bird this night, a cooling drift across my midriff; and all that was, was fair, we've come full circle.
"we've come full circle" cliche.
As Marianne said, I got little out of this, A lot of ambiguous phrases. Take the last sentence.
"I started like a bird this night". Does this mean you started as a bird starts, or you were startled as a bird is startled?
That's about the best I can do for you at the moment.
Best,
dale
in the back alley of dreams, of two-some minds
in mid-spring bloom - right now
when we none of us can fail or care <"when we none of us"? nonsensical>
to know the future.
I knew your face before, it sang
beneath the shades of unsung trees
etched on my life line –
eyes for embers and mouth for mirror
covered with black velvet.
I started like a bird this night, a cooling drift
across my midriff; and all that was,
was fair, we've come
full circle.
Sorry, but I gave up on line by line, too much trouble. The writer just seems to be throwing out any phrase that comes to mind and seeing if it sticks. The last sentence is a run on.
I started like a bird this night, a cooling drift across my midriff; and all that was, was fair, we've come full circle.
"we've come full circle" cliche.
As Marianne said, I got little out of this, A lot of ambiguous phrases. Take the last sentence.
"I started like a bird this night". Does this mean you started as a bird starts, or you were startled as a bird is startled?
That's about the best I can do for you at the moment.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.