05-08-2014, 04:07 PM
Hi Loretta, welcome to the Pigpen.
The title of the poem instantly conjures up sexual images. If the romantic appeal is your desired emphasis, consider changing the title.
The theme is very overused. I don't personally prefer reading love poetry, but i see the theme so often here that i'm inspired to borrow a library book or two on the subject. After i do that, i'll edit this comment with any areas i see where this poem falls into cliche.
I found the rhythm readable out loud, but it felt rushed and some places were very jarring. Here are the two most troubling lines:
Another weak area i see is all the inversion stuff. I'm very guilty of the same thing, it's so tempting to do to make the rhyme chime.
The use of metaphor is stellar. On first read I thought i saw too many abstractions, but after my third and fourth read I'm convinced that the poem conveys a concrete image of embers from a fireplace crackling and fizzling out on the hearth, which is a metaphor for doing the horizontal hula.
and "bliss and pain to both remember" only helps this sound more furry than it already does, I wouldn't know if that's your intended reading
The title of the poem instantly conjures up sexual images. If the romantic appeal is your desired emphasis, consider changing the title.
The theme is very overused. I don't personally prefer reading love poetry, but i see the theme so often here that i'm inspired to borrow a library book or two on the subject. After i do that, i'll edit this comment with any areas i see where this poem falls into cliche.
I found the rhythm readable out loud, but it felt rushed and some places were very jarring. Here are the two most troubling lines:
LorettaYoung Wrote:the flames that dance melodiously,[...]Both of these lines take much longer to enunciate then the surrounding. it throws me off and prevents me from building up intensity through the poem.
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compared to history a momentary rhyme[...]
Another weak area i see is all the inversion stuff. I'm very guilty of the same thing, it's so tempting to do to make the rhyme chime.
LorettaYoung Wrote:smiles, laughing wiles Perhaps laughing "while"?
unwanted limits defiled
then, i would unzip your trousers
and in your groin plant fragrant flowers
blossoms of wet honey Umph.
full of fire, passions and desires
by whimsy, wanting your power
I remember that shower
deep within and wet,
Oh yes, sexy furry stuff, grrrr
LorettaYoung Wrote:we rode the ferris wheel[...]A poem doesn't have to rhyme, but if it does, a pleasant surprise is being able to read through the poem like i'm reading a normal piece of writing. if i have to blink before i remember it's a series of rhyming couplets, then i feel that i'm reading good poetry.
heavenly fire did we steal,[...]
The use of metaphor is stellar. On first read I thought i saw too many abstractions, but after my third and fourth read I'm convinced that the poem conveys a concrete image of embers from a fireplace crackling and fizzling out on the hearth, which is a metaphor for doing the horizontal hula.
and "bliss and pain to both remember" only helps this sound more furry than it already does, I wouldn't know if that's your intended reading
*Warning: blatant tomfoolery above this line