05-06-2014, 02:31 PM
On Break
It's been a mere twenty minutes on this slow and painful day
while the clock unwinds torture, ticks that fail to fade away;
Merely twenty minutes more are allotted to me.
Surrounded by food, but not in the mood—
my pocket's starving too, you see.
Until I learn a skilled trade,
Exchanging blood for gasoline. (perhaps ‘ I’m’ at the start of this line to clarify this is what he’s actually doing now, not what the skilled trade will be)
I look up and through,
through the shelves
through thoughts so blue
that they drag me to the present
through and through. (5 through’s in this little stanza? I’d consider changing this line to something else or doing away with it altogether)
Some cheap candy, (cheap happiness),
it's temporal, just like everything else.
Odds and ends and that and this
it's pointless, so I just look through those shelves. (I’d change so to but otherwise it sounds as if the pointlessness of it is why he’s looking thru the shelves)
I see the items, but they don't click,
my thoughts so far removed from it:
where is my next meal coming from
what if I don't have enough gas to get home
am I too weak for the blood bank this week
Speaking of banks, I ought to check...
No, what's the point, I know how little I have.
At home, the computer screen glares;
it flickers at my command and there
on the dimmed screen I write my prayer:
hope for the future, where I most want to be
though diminished and torn, still reality.(this makes it sound as if the future is diminished and torn- is that the intent?)
Yet, these goals can't be abided in. (abided in sounds wrong, perhaps added in)
It's too important to focus on the present
even without my basic needs present. (two lines ending with present here – I’d consider changing one of them)
The bottle eludes me, and so, I take my meds
and think of the reasons I don't want to be dead
and think of the reasons I should live instead.
My luxury car has a “woof” license plate,
family, friends, and dogs roam on my estate
food and shelter aren't worries, life is great
then I wake up and the dream dissipates.
I make the buzzing alarm shut the fuck up. (nice transition to a new day)
Bitter coffee in the light of hopeless sunrise
as I think of the new manager who I deeply despise.
The lady yells at us for every last mess up. (seems awkward – maybe the lady who yells at us for every small mess up)
Settling in a sputtering truck, gears shuddering to drive, (perhaps ‘...gears shudder as I drive’ lose end comma)
as I think of the new manager who I deeply despise.
Spite grasps the steering wheel, and my feet turn to lead;
in my shaking rearview mirror, I see a blue and red. (what’s a blue and red? This is unclear)
A crumpled piece of hundred dollar paper in the glove box (vague perhaps just a crumpled hundred dollar note in the glove box)
next to a concealed switchblade in the cigarette box.
My first concern should've been the leaky fuse box. (faulty may be better than leaky, which generally implies fluid, tho I realize it can refer to power loss as well)
Guardrails are so much flimsier than they first appear.
We take headlights for granted, until they disappear.
The road would have been sunlit, save for twenty minutes mere, (inversion)
and if only the road hadn't held such deer.(held such deer sounds wrong perhaps held so many deer)
Dear life! It flashed before me, the only thing I knew
Blood dribbled from my broken nose
and I thought my days were through.
I looked down at my broken hand
and observed the grisly view:
The deer refused to die
it quivered and it writhed
leaving only I
alone to take its life.
I kicked down the battered door
which fell right off its hinges.
As the glass shattered more
I watched the deer in its cringes. (in it’s cringes sounds wrong, perhaps ...the deer as it cringed’ )
I took out my rusty knife
and looked down at the blade;
with a quick stabbing slice,
I took my life away.
Hi hippy
I don’t think you’ve given us enough reason for the sudden decision to end his own life rather than put the deer out of its misery...‘Dear Life!’ he exclaims in the crash as his life flashes before him, which doesn’t seem to go with this hatred of his life theme you have running here. Perhaps do away with the exclamation, and change that line to “Life flashed before me, the only thing I knew” to do away with the idea that life is dear to him, when, from the ending, it isn’t.
Overall, I thought it wasn’t too bad.
Marianne
It's been a mere twenty minutes on this slow and painful day
while the clock unwinds torture, ticks that fail to fade away;
Merely twenty minutes more are allotted to me.
Surrounded by food, but not in the mood—
my pocket's starving too, you see.
Until I learn a skilled trade,
Exchanging blood for gasoline. (perhaps ‘ I’m’ at the start of this line to clarify this is what he’s actually doing now, not what the skilled trade will be)
I look up and through,
through the shelves
through thoughts so blue
that they drag me to the present
through and through. (5 through’s in this little stanza? I’d consider changing this line to something else or doing away with it altogether)
Some cheap candy, (cheap happiness),
it's temporal, just like everything else.
Odds and ends and that and this
it's pointless, so I just look through those shelves. (I’d change so to but otherwise it sounds as if the pointlessness of it is why he’s looking thru the shelves)
I see the items, but they don't click,
my thoughts so far removed from it:
where is my next meal coming from
what if I don't have enough gas to get home
am I too weak for the blood bank this week
Speaking of banks, I ought to check...
No, what's the point, I know how little I have.
At home, the computer screen glares;
it flickers at my command and there
on the dimmed screen I write my prayer:
hope for the future, where I most want to be
though diminished and torn, still reality.(this makes it sound as if the future is diminished and torn- is that the intent?)
Yet, these goals can't be abided in. (abided in sounds wrong, perhaps added in)
It's too important to focus on the present
even without my basic needs present. (two lines ending with present here – I’d consider changing one of them)
The bottle eludes me, and so, I take my meds
and think of the reasons I don't want to be dead
and think of the reasons I should live instead.
My luxury car has a “woof” license plate,
family, friends, and dogs roam on my estate
food and shelter aren't worries, life is great
then I wake up and the dream dissipates.
I make the buzzing alarm shut the fuck up. (nice transition to a new day)
Bitter coffee in the light of hopeless sunrise
as I think of the new manager who I deeply despise.
The lady yells at us for every last mess up. (seems awkward – maybe the lady who yells at us for every small mess up)
Settling in a sputtering truck, gears shuddering to drive, (perhaps ‘...gears shudder as I drive’ lose end comma)
as I think of the new manager who I deeply despise.
Spite grasps the steering wheel, and my feet turn to lead;
in my shaking rearview mirror, I see a blue and red. (what’s a blue and red? This is unclear)
A crumpled piece of hundred dollar paper in the glove box (vague perhaps just a crumpled hundred dollar note in the glove box)
next to a concealed switchblade in the cigarette box.
My first concern should've been the leaky fuse box. (faulty may be better than leaky, which generally implies fluid, tho I realize it can refer to power loss as well)
Guardrails are so much flimsier than they first appear.
We take headlights for granted, until they disappear.
The road would have been sunlit, save for twenty minutes mere, (inversion)
and if only the road hadn't held such deer.(held such deer sounds wrong perhaps held so many deer)
Dear life! It flashed before me, the only thing I knew
Blood dribbled from my broken nose
and I thought my days were through.
I looked down at my broken hand
and observed the grisly view:
The deer refused to die
it quivered and it writhed
leaving only I
alone to take its life.
I kicked down the battered door
which fell right off its hinges.
As the glass shattered more
I watched the deer in its cringes. (in it’s cringes sounds wrong, perhaps ...the deer as it cringed’ )
I took out my rusty knife
and looked down at the blade;
with a quick stabbing slice,
I took my life away.
Hi hippy
I don’t think you’ve given us enough reason for the sudden decision to end his own life rather than put the deer out of its misery...‘Dear Life!’ he exclaims in the crash as his life flashes before him, which doesn’t seem to go with this hatred of his life theme you have running here. Perhaps do away with the exclamation, and change that line to “Life flashed before me, the only thing I knew” to do away with the idea that life is dear to him, when, from the ending, it isn’t.
Overall, I thought it wasn’t too bad.
Marianne