(05-05-2014, 02:30 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote: A total newbie reply; like it; but feel disconnected by the change and length of some lines.yes it is a total newb reply...we need more from total newbs, just discuss your likes and dislikes, it's called talking, though in this case you'd be transcribing the talk into text. /Mod.
i like it because it's a fairly fun piece, i like it because it feels like it has a purpose or point. there's some imagery in the 2nd couplet that works pretty well.
it needs an edit but it will be all the better for it.
thanks for the read.
(05-04-2014, 04:30 PM)SilverMire Wrote: I lock eyes with the roadblock
as my trolley locks its wheels. i'd suggest changing one of the locks, probably the 1st one.
He's sticky and salty, loud and red and
weeping on the floor between me and the milk. i like this couple a lot. it pulls me into the title and i know there's some humour to come.
So I retreat, but not before no need for [so] i think the line could be better if you end it with but or bring up [we click]
we click - not before
I give that secret handshake of a nod
that comes with being kids together in an adult world - could this be more concise?
not before I realise that he's the one bound
by the finitude of language. this feels out of step with the thoughts of a young person, if numbers are a part of language then language is infinite not finite. (to stretch a point)
He looks back to his mother
and gives her another inadequate look try not to repeat words unless it's a refrain or to reinforce an image or idea. lose a look
called “I hate the hypocrisy
exhibited in our household,"
called "I'm filing for emancipation
soon as I'm literate," i got a kick from this line, the fact the poem has even been written.....
called “Sure, yoghurt’s tasty,
but I really want this Nutella.” no need for [this]