05-05-2014, 04:29 AM
hello,
this is an interesting little poem.
the long hanging 4th line looks ugly. I would like to break it after 'groans'.
I would also remove 'painful' because stings are rarely painless, and it just sounds better without it.
the revised first line is much better than the original, which was just confusing.
the title 'stand' is as good as any i suppose. But it is a little too abstract. I would tentatively suggest 'I persist' as a title. Or something like that. Because it gives it a positive quality in contrast to the (let's face it) moaning (bordering on emo) sense of the rest.
thanks for sharing.
this is an interesting little poem.
the long hanging 4th line looks ugly. I would like to break it after 'groans'.
I would also remove 'painful' because stings are rarely painless, and it just sounds better without it.
the revised first line is much better than the original, which was just confusing.
the title 'stand' is as good as any i suppose. But it is a little too abstract. I would tentatively suggest 'I persist' as a title. Or something like that. Because it gives it a positive quality in contrast to the (let's face it) moaning (bordering on emo) sense of the rest.
thanks for sharing.