05-04-2014, 06:35 PM
(05-03-2014, 05:07 AM)Erthona Wrote: awake all night
Each day I find when I wake up
that I am one day older, Unlesss you have a very good reason for this comma it should be a period.
my strength it seems grows less and less,
and I seem much less bolder. less is progressive diminutive whilst bolder is progressive superlative...so no change there, then
I’ve lost interest in pretty girls,...old age makes liars of us all...who said that?
they do nothing for me. Hmmm. I like the duality of this line and hope it is deliberate
I’d rather be upon a ship,
watching waves at sea. This is the nautical equivalent of watching paint dry...but why? There again, why not? Perhaps if you were to gently indicate that your character is an old sea dog...a bunk reference at the start, perhaps. There is a problem coming which this suggestion may help solve. See last line
All day long I want to sleep
and this I strive to fight,
yet at days end when darkness comes,
I stay awake all night. Hmmm. You do not sleep at night and yet each day you wake. Shome mishtake, shurely?
Whatho dale,
Another mock-depressive piece from you...between us we could start a movement but time is not on our side.
As a distillation of a long fermented summer wine, I keep thinking this is the last of it...but no. As long as we have ink in our pen is that it?(insert comma where required
Best,
tectak
–Erthona
©2014
