Youth
#2
(05-03-2014, 03:49 PM)Caleb Murdock Wrote:  Something ineffable in youth
```Draws my thoughts and evokes
A quiet longing in my soul;
```Not that I miss mine, no — Some nice slant rhyming here. Not too crazy about "draws my thoughts" though. You open with a nice little jab, so I'd like to see a stronger follow-up punch to really hook the reader Smile

It was not ever as it ought
```Have been (by all accounts),
Hard as I tried to be care-free
```Amidst my grief and loss. We don't know you as a person Caleb, so we can't relate to these broad terms of grief and loss. I suggest showing us what happened, even in an allegorical way, instead of telling.

Some ineffable perfection
```In the curves of girls' thighs,
In the head-long rush of boys to their
```Predestined reckonings, Made me smile Smile

Bespeaks powers no longer mine — Bespeaks really sticks out, I'd consider finding a different verb
```Not ever mine, perhaps,
Nor theirs now, though it appears so
```To hungry mortal eyes

Like mine, mesmerized by the sight
```Of youth's trail vanishing. I don't think there's a need to invert this phrase. "Youth's vanishing trail" reads better.
Yet if youth could be mine today,
```It would be in my way. I would have loved to see ineffable return to open this stanza. If you've used it twice, I think it's begging for a third to really shore-up that repetition.

I would not trade my life and times
```For any that have passed;
But in my poems, I am young,
```And I will last.

=================================

I considered this poem to be finished until I realized that the second line of the last stanza didn't have the right meaning. It seems to me that the lives I am envying are not the ones that have passed, but the ones still to be lived. So I re-wrote that stanza like this:

I would not trade my life and times
```For any still to come;
But in my poems, I will last,
```And I am young. If that's the sentiment you're going for, then definitely this one here. Maybe change "And" to "For", just feel it gives more closure - but that final true rhyme is nice touch too.

Which is better?

Don't worry, not all my poems are about youth and age. I tend to choose tiresome topics.
This definitely has potential CM. Hope my advice helps in some small way to get it where you want it to be Smile


Messages In This Thread
Youth - by Caleb Murdock - 05-03-2014, 03:49 PM
RE: Youth - by SilverMire - 05-03-2014, 06:50 PM
RE: Youth - by Caleb Murdock - 05-03-2014, 07:19 PM



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