Entitled #1 (and his Realtime Monologue)

[tectak]

V2, 2/5/12

I was born face-first
into an island
whose trade revolves a-
round, tropical fruit.
Enclosing us, an
ocean, sun-foam flecked,
untapped as a nun's
rump.
  bombe glacée
                I've
never sailed a boat.
That North Star nausea
doesn't sit with me.
Anyway, kids have
stronger stomachs, so
I think I'll keep on
counting coconuts.


V1, 28/4/14

I was born feet-first
on an island whose
trade revolves around
tropical fruit. Sur-
rounding us, a void
ocean, light-point-flecked,
as latent as a
toddler's midnight; so
I think I'll keep on
counting coconuts.

Ha ha, Love that untapped metaphor, but is that Nun's rump really as tempting as bombe glacee?

Hi,
On version 1.
I am tempted to say that your orientation at birth is superfluous as you can reverse the expulsion direction to no real effect....as you did between edits. Further, I am unsure that you can be "born in to" an island, normally pretty solid stuff, these islands.
Now, not that I am an authority on enjambment and this being "mild" critique, I would still suggest that it is pretty pointles to split the word sur-rounding, but I would be interested to know why YOU thought it was a "good" idea.
Avoid "void". It is one of those single word cliches which by definition, purpose and intent means nothing. The word leads you in to traps which are generally schoolboy howlers. So we have a void ocean, totally empty, nothing there AT ALL, black as a coal-house on a dark evening in a cellar with no window...void. Oh, hang on, did you say void? So what are all those lights? Hmmmm.
Latent....definition coming:
1(Of a quality or state) existing but not yet developed or manifest; hidden or concealed:
1.1 Biology. Lying dormant or hidden until circumstances are suitable for development or manifestation:
‘axillary buds or eyes in the leaf axils are latent growth buds’
1.2(Of a disease) not yet manifesting the usual symptoms:
‘diabetes may be latent for some years before diagnosis’

No mention of midnight, even a toddler's, being "latent" BUT I can see what you mean...er...I think. I think you mean that... no, really, I have no idea because it is the ocean which is void, which is not void but which is latent and is like a toddler's midnight which is a specific time that occurs not latently but at midnight, even if you are a toddler or 65 like me...so no, I don't get it.
On Version 2
Much the same but a-round.

Some may say that obscurity is a bi-product of an active imagination being over-supplied with nutrients. So what comes out is ...er....not definable in polite circles. I am not one of them. I just get distracted trying to row whilst going backwards...I tend to see where I have been rather than where I'm going with this sort of stuff...and end up not really caring. I envy you your imagination and suggest to you that it is an asset but one that needs turning in to liquidity. In this piece you don't really let the reader share what you have, perhaps because it is terse-verse and you have not the time nor distance (nor inclination? No...I don't think so) to so do.
...and what IS that comma doing after "a-round"?
If you want a title suggestion how about " A socket-set for Chrismas"?...it fits in well, don'tcha think?
Best,
tectak