04-30-2014, 11:29 AM
"Nothing is like a fire burning in the night."
How about a fire in the fireplace, isn't that like a fire burning at night?
To open with a statement such as "Nothing is like a fire burning in the night." pretty much invalidates whatever follows as it is so superficial.
"skew" is a forced rhyme.
"You may find yourself feeling sadness when the embers grow cold." I may, or I may not.
"he oldest phoenix knows that through ashes come new birth." Wouldn't any Phoenix?
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The idea of life from death is archetypal, and is one of the oldest devices used in poetry. This poem brings nothing fresh to that linage. Such lines as "But be wary when the ashes come for you'll never know what to do."
remind me more of Santa's "You'd better watch out"
If this were metered, which it is not, you might make it into a nursery rhyme, but it really offers nothing new to anyone above the age of 12. Plus few above that age would abide by the preachy tone of the speaker.
The lack of poetic skill in writing this is obvious, it is a group of oft used phrases re-written and held together by forced rhymes.
On a positive note, the writer stuck with her subject throughout, the sentences are grammatical and clear (you would be surprised how often this is not the case).
Basically it is about what I would expect from someone who has never written poetry, or probably studied poetry much above nursery rhymes. She does have the ability to rhyme. There is no indication one way or the other if the writer can comprehend and use meter. The use of personification does exists, although that is primarily borrowed from the "Phoenix" motif. Most other poetic tropes appear non-existent. I am unsure if "I don't have the the time for it (short stories) anymore, is really a strong reason to dip ones toes into poetry. Few comprehend the actual difficulty of learning to write poetry, or the time involved. If the premiss for writing poetry is that it takes less time than short story, then the writer should be dissuaded from that notion. This is not to say poetry is in any way superior to short story, but progression in writing poetry (if one is already grammatically sound) is probably slower than in short story. Of course in either case,
one has to have something of worth to say,
before such things as skill and technique come into play.
Best,
Dale
How about a fire in the fireplace, isn't that like a fire burning at night?
To open with a statement such as "Nothing is like a fire burning in the night." pretty much invalidates whatever follows as it is so superficial.
"skew" is a forced rhyme.
"You may find yourself feeling sadness when the embers grow cold." I may, or I may not.
"he oldest phoenix knows that through ashes come new birth." Wouldn't any Phoenix?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The idea of life from death is archetypal, and is one of the oldest devices used in poetry. This poem brings nothing fresh to that linage. Such lines as "But be wary when the ashes come for you'll never know what to do."
remind me more of Santa's "You'd better watch out"
If this were metered, which it is not, you might make it into a nursery rhyme, but it really offers nothing new to anyone above the age of 12. Plus few above that age would abide by the preachy tone of the speaker.
The lack of poetic skill in writing this is obvious, it is a group of oft used phrases re-written and held together by forced rhymes.
On a positive note, the writer stuck with her subject throughout, the sentences are grammatical and clear (you would be surprised how often this is not the case).
Basically it is about what I would expect from someone who has never written poetry, or probably studied poetry much above nursery rhymes. She does have the ability to rhyme. There is no indication one way or the other if the writer can comprehend and use meter. The use of personification does exists, although that is primarily borrowed from the "Phoenix" motif. Most other poetic tropes appear non-existent. I am unsure if "I don't have the the time for it (short stories) anymore, is really a strong reason to dip ones toes into poetry. Few comprehend the actual difficulty of learning to write poetry, or the time involved. If the premiss for writing poetry is that it takes less time than short story, then the writer should be dissuaded from that notion. This is not to say poetry is in any way superior to short story, but progression in writing poetry (if one is already grammatically sound) is probably slower than in short story. Of course in either case,
one has to have something of worth to say,
before such things as skill and technique come into play.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.