04-28-2014, 09:50 PM
I’ll wash my brain and dirt my feet, Just a comment: I love this line. A variation of this would be a good slogan for about 50% of Youtube
I’ll dance in mud and skirt packed streets,
I’ll live and die before my hair turns gray! The exclamation point would highlight the contrast between this part and the next, making the poem feel more firm and cynical.
I said before I settled down,
pretended love, and hid my frown, The frown feels a bit forced, but that needn't changing. I love the "pretended love" part, though. And I'm not pretending that.
then wrinkled up to die of cold old age. Again, a fairly terse yet brilliant line. A good ending to a terse, but brilliant, poem.
This is brilliant. Plain brilliant. I agree with Erthona there, that however off some parts of the poem feel in terms of grammar, the speaker probably wouldn't have said it any other way. The suggestions up there are just little changes to make the structure feel more proper in terms of punctuation and whatnot.
I’ll dance in mud and skirt packed streets,
I’ll live and die before my hair turns gray! The exclamation point would highlight the contrast between this part and the next, making the poem feel more firm and cynical.
I said before I settled down,
pretended love, and hid my frown, The frown feels a bit forced, but that needn't changing. I love the "pretended love" part, though. And I'm not pretending that.
then wrinkled up to die of cold old age. Again, a fairly terse yet brilliant line. A good ending to a terse, but brilliant, poem.
This is brilliant. Plain brilliant. I agree with Erthona there, that however off some parts of the poem feel in terms of grammar, the speaker probably wouldn't have said it any other way. The suggestions up there are just little changes to make the structure feel more proper in terms of punctuation and whatnot.