04-28-2014, 09:04 PM
I interpreted the poem's speaker as a person born into a mundane world, finding it pointless to try to escape it.
I was born feet-first Feet-first doesn't seem to add anything to the poem.
on an island whose
trade revolves around
tropical fruit. Sur-
rounding us, a void
ocean, light-point-flecked,Light-point-flecked somehow feels like it makes the ocean less bleak, less void; I suggest changing it
as latent as a
toddler's midnight; soToddler's midnight? What does that exactly mean? Does it mean silent and somewhat holy, or does it mean loud and distressed, or unpredictable, or terrifying, or what? I suggest using a different simile here.
I think I'll keep on
counting coconuts.I think you need to develop the whole situation here before coming to this conclusion. Make the world away from your island seem more... more bleak, I guess.
I was born feet-first Feet-first doesn't seem to add anything to the poem.
on an island whose
trade revolves around
tropical fruit. Sur-
rounding us, a void
ocean, light-point-flecked,Light-point-flecked somehow feels like it makes the ocean less bleak, less void; I suggest changing it
as latent as a
toddler's midnight; soToddler's midnight? What does that exactly mean? Does it mean silent and somewhat holy, or does it mean loud and distressed, or unpredictable, or terrifying, or what? I suggest using a different simile here.
I think I'll keep on
counting coconuts.I think you need to develop the whole situation here before coming to this conclusion. Make the world away from your island seem more... more bleak, I guess.