04-28-2014, 11:34 AM
I’ll wash my brain and dirt my feet, I'm not sure about "dirt my feet". It makes sense, but is weird to read.
I’ll dance in mud and skirt packed streets,
I’ll live and die before my hair turns gray.
I said before I settled down, what did you say? If you meant the first three lines, you need to make this clearer because the first four or so times I read this, I felt like you were about to write what you said.
pretended love and hid my frown,
and wrinkled up to die of cold old age.
I understand that the last lines of the stanzas are of parallel structure, and also that a sudden ending of rhyme can be useful, but I think the first time, you should rhyme (that would be the third line). By doing this, you maintain the flow of the poem until the last line where you break rhyme and really bring emphasis to the last words. Furthermore, the flow of the poem and ease of read would really improve by doing this.
I’ll dance in mud and skirt packed streets,
I’ll live and die before my hair turns gray.
I said before I settled down, what did you say? If you meant the first three lines, you need to make this clearer because the first four or so times I read this, I felt like you were about to write what you said.
pretended love and hid my frown,
and wrinkled up to die of cold old age.
I understand that the last lines of the stanzas are of parallel structure, and also that a sudden ending of rhyme can be useful, but I think the first time, you should rhyme (that would be the third line). By doing this, you maintain the flow of the poem until the last line where you break rhyme and really bring emphasis to the last words. Furthermore, the flow of the poem and ease of read would really improve by doing this.