Sleeping Tomb

[aerickson]

I'm already dead,
I'm just trying to rise now.
The wind surrounds me
and howls for my surrender.
I succumbed countless moons ago,
The world too bleak, my soul too meek.

Landless peasants lived a life
I couldn't live
Their souls intact, their fight not crushed.
I mourn the lifeless body,
staggered across the seaside cliffs.
Laid upon the jagged rocks
like a sleeping tomb.

-But I still breathe.
the wind,
it swirls and
it howls
for my surrender.
Every move I make-
makes me colder,
but I still breathe.

I like the metaphor, but the poem seems messy to me. It would be a far more powerful a poem if you used fewer words. I'll put an example below. Plus, repetition can really help a poem, and you sort of use repetition, but not very neatly and it seems too unplanned. Repetition is good, but it needs to be consistent or it looses meaning. In the third stanza you use a similar sentence to the first stanza, I would maybe make them identical, which would mean restructuring the last stanza a bit. Does that make sense? Below is a suggestion for the fewer words for the first stanza. Hope this helps...

I am already dead,
No,
trying to rise.
Wind surrounds me,
howls arounds me:
Surrender!
No,
too late.
I succumbed moons ago;
too bleak, my soul too meek.