04-26-2014, 04:43 AM
This is Version #2. Thanks so much for all the feedback! I decided to do it in proper sentence format, so I hope that added something as well.
Violent Sunrise on the Island
As the white moon roared over the mountains
and the black sky slid down toward the sea
my silent footsteps screamed these words at me-
a violent sunrise is on the way,
and nature's never been
more dear to me
than now.
I answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon,
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me somehow rustle.
Foreign land shifted around me,
and here, hours from home,
I felt glorious and alone.
The blue sun rose up from the water,
the waves crashed down at my feet,
and the violent sunrise was over,
leaving daylight,
clear skies
and me.
violent sunrise on the island This is the original version.
as the white moon roared over the mountains
and the black sky slid down toward the sea
my silent footsteps screamed the words at me
a violent sunrise is on the way
and nature's never been
more dear to me
than now
i answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me rustle
foreign land shifted around me
and here, hours from home
i felt glorious and alone
as the blue sun rose up from the water
and the waves crashed down at my feet
and the violent sunrise was over
leaving daylight
clear skies
and me
[/quote]
Hello RSaba, It does scan better with the punctuation.
I think you could do away with the last 4 lines.
The poem could be tightened in places, one example would be "and here hours from home" those words could be deleted because the use of "foreign land" does their job.
The word Down used in line 2 and line 17 would be another example.
I like your central thought here, which is "closeness to nature" and the central part of your poem (see below)
i answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me rustle
worked so perfectly, that it reminded me of a couplet I wrote that expresses the same sentiment.
Wild flowers roar
I roar back.
Thank you for posting this poem. JG
Violent Sunrise on the Island
As the white moon roared over the mountains
and the black sky slid down toward the sea
my silent footsteps screamed these words at me-
a violent sunrise is on the way,
and nature's never been
more dear to me
than now.
I answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon,
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me somehow rustle.
Foreign land shifted around me,
and here, hours from home,
I felt glorious and alone.
The blue sun rose up from the water,
the waves crashed down at my feet,
and the violent sunrise was over,
leaving daylight,
clear skies
and me.
violent sunrise on the island This is the original version.
as the white moon roared over the mountains
and the black sky slid down toward the sea
my silent footsteps screamed the words at me
a violent sunrise is on the way
and nature's never been
more dear to me
than now
i answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me rustle
foreign land shifted around me
and here, hours from home
i felt glorious and alone
as the blue sun rose up from the water
and the waves crashed down at my feet
and the violent sunrise was over
leaving daylight
clear skies
and me
[/quote]
Hello RSaba, It does scan better with the punctuation.
I think you could do away with the last 4 lines.
The poem could be tightened in places, one example would be "and here hours from home" those words could be deleted because the use of "foreign land" does their job.
The word Down used in line 2 and line 17 would be another example.
I like your central thought here, which is "closeness to nature" and the central part of your poem (see below)
i answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me rustle
worked so perfectly, that it reminded me of a couplet I wrote that expresses the same sentiment.
Wild flowers roar
I roar back.
Thank you for posting this poem. JG