violent sunrise on the island

[billy]

a cap tends to give the piece, almost any piece a better starting point, but that's just my opinion

i do like the poem a lot, though one thing that doesn't work that well for me are the 4 lines that end with me, they don't do the job of a refrain and i think something else could be used or removed. there's a good solid feeling of seclusion as in a secret garden, in this instance the secret garden is the beach on the island, or a special place a person cares to be lost in.

i answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon
i keep seeing threw as through and it works perfectly in adding another level...my favourite part.

it read a little wordy in an odd place but it feels true, and it feels real and it feels original and it's worthy of a few more reads.

A poem I wrote after a Long Beach trip. Looking for feedback/criticism on, like, everything! I've never been on a site that gives actual feedback and I really appreciate how things work here. Note: let me know if the no-caps style works or doesn't. Fire away
i liked the subtle alliteration
violent sunrise on the island

as the white moon roared over the mountains
and the black sky slid down toward the sea
my silent footsteps screamed the words at me [the words at me] feel a tad too much and make me want to stay on the line in hope of finding out why
a violent sunrise is on the way
and nature's never been
more dear to me
than now
i answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me rustle
foreign land shifted around me is [around me needed]?
and here, hours from home
i felt glorious and alone
as the blue sun rose up from the water i like how blue gives a serene feel when juxtaposed with violent.
and the waves crashed down at my feet is [and the] needed?
and the violent sunrise was over
leaving daylight
clear skies
and me