04-23-2014, 06:37 AM
Great imagery and overall flow. I would just change a few lines.
Fiery breath lights blackest night,
a ruby comet falling fast,
beating wings of dragon’s flight,
know this sight to be your last.
Like the clouds up in the sky,
(parts) will live, (parts) will die,
the lowest lows, the highest highs,
as the dragon shows its might.
Burning red(,) a pulsing disc,
follows orange, and then (omit/the) green,
rising force(,) a willow wisp,
up the spine, remains unseen.
Now the blue and the violet,
opens up the unseen view,
overwhelmed by sinking silence,
bewildered mumblings, oft confused.
When at last the storm is over,
and the light comes from above,
note with awe the transformation,
(the, unless you meant dragons in plural, then remove ') dragon’s now become a dove.
Fiery breath lights blackest night,
a ruby comet falling fast,
beating wings of dragon’s flight,
know this sight to be your last.
Like the clouds up in the sky,
(parts) will live, (parts) will die,
the lowest lows, the highest highs,
as the dragon shows its might.
Burning red(,) a pulsing disc,
follows orange, and then (omit/the) green,
rising force(,) a willow wisp,
up the spine, remains unseen.
Now the blue and the violet,
opens up the unseen view,
overwhelmed by sinking silence,
bewildered mumblings, oft confused.
When at last the storm is over,
and the light comes from above,
note with awe the transformation,
(the, unless you meant dragons in plural, then remove ') dragon’s now become a dove.