Sleep

[Erthona]

You have been given excellent feedback, most of what I would comment on has been. Still you write more like a dilettante than a poet, going for the (supposed) stylish phrase, instead of examining what you are really saying. Thus

"I slip upward into the fuzzy air,
floating in the direction of enticing whispers,
past a slipping silhouette of the
darkest persimmon red."

Persimmons are not red, they are orange, or at best orange-red. I grew up around persimmon tress because my father loved them (he also like buttermilk, and pot-licker), I have seen many persimmons and never have I seen a "darkest persimmon red." And what is a "slipping silhouette". Does the silhouette fall, or does it just stumble a bit. And as to the color of the slipping silhouette:

"a two-dimensional representation of the outline of an object, as a cutout or configurational drawing, uniformly filled in with black, especially a black-paper, miniature cutout of the outlines of a famous person's face."

Notice the phrase "uniformly filled in with black", does that sound like the non-existent color of dark red persimmon?

This poem is generally all style and no substance, that's what I meant by "you write more like a dilettante than a poet".

I am not attempting to be hurtful, but until someone points out what you are doing wrong, you have no chance to progress.
It seems I have read some of your other work and it did not seem so vacuous, so maybe this is simply an anomaly. Certainly you have a flair for colorful descriptions, now if you could only combine it with something of substance.

Best,


Dale