04-22-2014, 01:38 AM
Hi all, thanks for the read your feedback. I've made an edit according to the parts I found useful and could change (I find all of it useful).
Mopkins
The end of my first stanza is supposed to still be in the present tense, because the "miss" is referring in the present (although with narrative omniscience which makes it detached/proleptic) to how I fail to notice the hint of danger. Confusing double-meaning though, thanks for pointing it out. I've made a fair few of your corrections in my edit.
Erthona
The line-breaks seem so obvious to me in the re-write, I was just too keen for internal rhymes to realise they didn't work in the longer lines, thanks.
Silver
I agree with you on principle about "vernal", but I was trying to create both the idea of the beginning of a relationship, and allude lyrically to the idea of "infernal" which helps set up my poem. Good spot on "choose", it's been corrected.
Mopkins
The end of my first stanza is supposed to still be in the present tense, because the "miss" is referring in the present (although with narrative omniscience which makes it detached/proleptic) to how I fail to notice the hint of danger. Confusing double-meaning though, thanks for pointing it out. I've made a fair few of your corrections in my edit.
Erthona
The line-breaks seem so obvious to me in the re-write, I was just too keen for internal rhymes to realise they didn't work in the longer lines, thanks.
Silver
I agree with you on principle about "vernal", but I was trying to create both the idea of the beginning of a relationship, and allude lyrically to the idea of "infernal" which helps set up my poem. Good spot on "choose", it's been corrected.