Introspection Stays Home -edited

[Mopkins]

Introspection Stays Home

“When Rosemary awoke that day,” the storyteller said,--I do like this as an opening line it sets the tone very nicely, although if the whole poem is by the storyteller shouldn't it close with speech marks also? or perhaps not use speech marks in this line


You're quite right about the quotation marks, I'll add them in.



“Self indulgent Introspection lay back a while in bed,--Introspection is in many respects 'self indulgent' so 'self indulgent could be viewed as redundant here

good point but have no better ideas for this line at the moment



and yawned and stretched and sighed aloud at having to get up
while Rosemary in the kitchen filled up her coffee cup.--Not too sure about the repetition of up

i agree its a bit boring I'll think on those lines



Then she and Introspection went out on the balcony
to catch the morning sunshine and canary melody;

But the bird today was mute, too preoccupied to sing,
the bird had grown obsessed with its reflection in the ring

Will change 'the bird' to 'for it' to do away with the repetition of bird


and it barely noticed Rosemary when she came to sit
but fiddled with the mirror and fussed around with it.--I like this stanza especially the last line with it's alliteration. The only thing I would suggest to change is the repetition of 'bird'



Then Introspection sat beside and stroked her on the cheek
and surfaced in her memories of the things she’d thought that week,
and things she had forgot to do while in his arms she lay
contemplating her self-image as she’d done every day.--This line feels a bit awkward, 'self-image' doesn't seem to sound right, although it does work as regards the mirror reference

it was originally 'reflection' not self image which i added because I thought reflection made it sound as if she were contemplating her appearance, not her soul Self-image was an improvement but i agree its a bit weak


A negative Narcissus disenchanted with her soul
unhappy with the smallest parts, unhappy with the whole,
full of her woeful contemplations, sadly she sat there
then Introspection ran his subtle fingers through her hair--really good stanza, I especially like the 'negative Narcissus'

and showed her the canary, mirror mad and out of songcould start this stanza with 'he' instead of 'and'. 'Mirror mad and out of song' is an excellent phrase


good idea - thanks I'll take it


and whispered “Sweet you’ve been alone at home with me too long
and pecking at the mirror just won’t change the face you see.”could start this line with 'this' or 'your' just to avoid the repetition of 'and'

good idea - I'll take 'your'


Then Rosemary went out and found some other company,
said “I’ve grown too melancholy, it really is absurd”
And Introspection stayed at home and whistled to the bird.

Hi, I really enjoyed reading your poem and feel that you conveyed what you wanted to say very clearly. There are one or two wonderful phrases that you have used and they really enhance the poem. It's been a while since I've given any critique, so I'm a bit out of practice, so I hope that some of what I've suggested may be of some use. Thanks for the read.
Mark

Thanks for the time and thought put in Mark, it's appreciated.


Marianne