04-18-2014, 02:36 AM
The rhyming structure doesn't feel like it gives the poem any impetus to me. Instead, it seems, to quote Blake, a "mind-forged manacle", forcing you to alter what you really mean to fit some abstract notion of poesy requiring rhymes. If the rhyme is supposed to give the poem a sing-song quality, then the rhythm also needs to be examined and arranged into a pleasing beat.
To that end, I feel that your last couplet doesn't really have rhythmical flow when reading it aloud.
Crude suggestion, but:
"But i don't have to explain,
what happened to me and my brain."
could be changed to
"But i don't have to explain,
what happened to me,
Or what happened to my brain"
creating a clearer distinction between Brain and Self that I feel the last line is trying to make, emphasised by the break in the sequential-line rhyming structure, and making the rhythm flow more pleasantly (for me at least) when reading it aloud.
Keep up the poetry though!
To that end, I feel that your last couplet doesn't really have rhythmical flow when reading it aloud.
Crude suggestion, but:
"But i don't have to explain,
what happened to me and my brain."
could be changed to
"But i don't have to explain,
what happened to me,
Or what happened to my brain"
creating a clearer distinction between Brain and Self that I feel the last line is trying to make, emphasised by the break in the sequential-line rhyming structure, and making the rhythm flow more pleasantly (for me at least) when reading it aloud.
Keep up the poetry though!