04-16-2014, 05:25 PM
I really love the idea behind this poem, I think it could be really beautiful. At the moment I found it a bit hard to get into the flow of it, I wonder if it is worth playing with the order a bit or perhaps the form to see if the facts and the parts of storytelling can be weaved together a bit more. There are some haunting images in there, the pets in empty apartments for example, that let the reader do the work but other parts where you are doing all the telling for us - the part about the hospital for example, there was nothing left for me to see if that makes sense. I wonder about the first line, perhaps try one of the story lines - Death had my father's attention is the one that jumped out at me. Maybe get the whole thing on post it notes and see what happens!