04-16-2014, 04:59 PM
Really like the concept, I'm kinda dissapointed that all the whip/will is saying is "i told you so" I don't know man, I hate to say this, I assume you put some feeling into it, but reading it, it feels generic and impersonal... I know you talked about rebellion and walking away from your parents advice, but we all have, in our own way, been rebellious and not taken our parents wizened experience to heart when they shared it with us... is there any way you could work in specific situations. You say this is for your mother's 91st birthday bash, include something in there that she CAN'T find in a Hall Mark card, make mention or allude to something that has a special or important memory attached to it, something that would surprise her that you remebered. On the bright side, ol' ma, probably ain't a poetry critic, and anything that is heart felt, and genuine may be sufficient... 
best of luck of luck to you, and happy birthday to your ma (:
oh yeah, btw, i'm from the south too, and I hate to think when i hear a whipporwhill that all they're saying is "I told you so" I know it doens't fit your story, (why i didn't include it into the critique part of my post) but stepping out of my house in mornings, when i used to jog, i always thought of them telling me "good morning, good morning, everyone, good morning" or to "have a good day" or something like that, as negative of a person as i usually am, i never really thought as the whipporwhill as being that snarky, as to rub your wrongs in your face, that's kinduvan asshole thing for a bird to do, that would suck, to sit there and listen to them over and over again tell you "told you so", i'd think that bird was an asshole... i dunno man, we usually hear what we want or are afraid to hear... once again, best wishes...
best of luck of luck to you, and happy birthday to your ma (:oh yeah, btw, i'm from the south too, and I hate to think when i hear a whipporwhill that all they're saying is "I told you so" I know it doens't fit your story, (why i didn't include it into the critique part of my post) but stepping out of my house in mornings, when i used to jog, i always thought of them telling me "good morning, good morning, everyone, good morning" or to "have a good day" or something like that, as negative of a person as i usually am, i never really thought as the whipporwhill as being that snarky, as to rub your wrongs in your face, that's kinduvan asshole thing for a bird to do, that would suck, to sit there and listen to them over and over again tell you "told you so", i'd think that bird was an asshole... i dunno man, we usually hear what we want or are afraid to hear... once again, best wishes...
...I think it's safe to blame it on the high probability, that I am utterly insane...