04-15-2014, 03:23 PM
Hi KindOfAHippy, thanks for looking at this.
her praises with the birdsong- as the verdant valley rung (comma makes more sense than hyphen) used a hyphen as the sentence seemed too long without a pause for breath but I'll take your suggestion
The singing ceased as darkness grew, the day gave way to night (darkness fell) good idea I'll take that
and forgot the trees and birds and stream also sang along. (who also sang)
If I add who here it would make it sound like he forgot about the trees and birds etc, not forgot that they also sang praises and it would make the line a syllable too long
Fixed the long line - thanks for pointing that out.
Glad you liked it - thanks again for your crit.
Dale, those two lines bothered me too - 'than the one that he had left' was a reference to the dream he'd just woken from... but it was all a bit foggy so I've got rid of those two lines - hopefully it'll help. La Belle Dame Sans Mercy is a favorite of mine.Thanks for the comments
Anonymous thanks for your comment - it's hard to write a love poem without using cliches as the subject is so well covered in poetry... Got rid of the last two lines in the first stanza - wasn't that fussed on them anyhow. Glad you liked it.
her praises with the birdsong- as the verdant valley rung (comma makes more sense than hyphen) used a hyphen as the sentence seemed too long without a pause for breath but I'll take your suggestion
The singing ceased as darkness grew, the day gave way to night (darkness fell) good idea I'll take that
and forgot the trees and birds and stream also sang along. (who also sang)
If I add who here it would make it sound like he forgot about the trees and birds etc, not forgot that they also sang praises and it would make the line a syllable too long
Fixed the long line - thanks for pointing that out.
Glad you liked it - thanks again for your crit.
Dale, those two lines bothered me too - 'than the one that he had left' was a reference to the dream he'd just woken from... but it was all a bit foggy so I've got rid of those two lines - hopefully it'll help. La Belle Dame Sans Mercy is a favorite of mine.Thanks for the comments
Anonymous thanks for your comment - it's hard to write a love poem without using cliches as the subject is so well covered in poetry... Got rid of the last two lines in the first stanza - wasn't that fussed on them anyhow. Glad you liked it.