04-15-2014, 02:54 PM
The concept is awesome, the imagery in the first two lines are really very good, I was able to see a dead girl, and i felt i was able to pick up on her anxiety as she waited for her judgement, it's something I think we would all be concerned about in that situation, so it really hits home on a personal level for all of us. Regardless of one's beliefs, we know what we would want for ourselves were we in that particular situation, great subject material.
However:
"Her soul which had shined so bright had NOW GONE away?"
now is a present tense, and gone is a past tense, it just sounds weird to my ears.
I'm sure you already know the rhyme scheme is kinda inconsistant.
The last line really throws me off, while it's a great line, it just doesn't add anything to the poem, instead it makes me feel like i missed something, so it sort of subtracts. I saw the break down where you explained it all, but as the reader there was no way to know that, there's no back story to allude to any of that. I wandered what could she have done to cause an entire lifetime of hate, ya know?
Anyways, it was an interesting read, thank you for writing it!
However:
"Her soul which had shined so bright had NOW GONE away?"
now is a present tense, and gone is a past tense, it just sounds weird to my ears.
I'm sure you already know the rhyme scheme is kinda inconsistant.
The last line really throws me off, while it's a great line, it just doesn't add anything to the poem, instead it makes me feel like i missed something, so it sort of subtracts. I saw the break down where you explained it all, but as the reader there was no way to know that, there's no back story to allude to any of that. I wandered what could she have done to cause an entire lifetime of hate, ya know?
Anyways, it was an interesting read, thank you for writing it!
...I think it's safe to blame it on the high probability, that I am utterly insane...