Coach Milo

[fim]

I have on occasion,
perhaps once or twice,
asked the inimitable hard ass
for constructive advice.

Via private message
he didn't scorn or lambaste,
in fact to be honest
he was actually nice!

But the secret let slip
that behind closed doors
he's much easier going
than on the locker room floor

I've taken a gamble,
I'm rolling the dice
and my pigpen membership
could pay the ultimate price!!


To save mmy head from the guillotine id better talk about the piece too!!

Fim
I think there's a great humourous piece in here about that stereotypical hard ass coach, but you'll need to tighten the meter (well actually have one I think).

Thanks a lot, I really enjoyed this! t

t,
thanks.
I liked your poem about your private experience with Milo. Yea, I bet he is probably an OK guy.
Cheers!
frank

---

Coach Milo
fim 9/6/13

In football (American style) ( Can you do this? ) ?
coaches are quite rough.
They often intimidate initiates
with all sorts of reprehensible stuff.

Never acknowledging the pain of injury
or the existence of fear or doubt,
unless while ridiculing a player
always in a high-decibel shout.

It is a well-established culture
that utilizes the fear they don’t acknowledge
to mold a player into a ferocious entity
designed to cause opponents to shudder.

Pregame directives often included
“Unleash the animal from its cage!”
Hit the opponents so viciously
“you change their mind about the game.”

As I grew older I learned to embrace,
activities that make more sense.
I enjoy reading and writing poetry,
to sit back, breathe and reflect.

But I have a new appreciation
for my football experience and its adversity.
The conditioning permits me to realize benefit
when Coach Milo critiques my poetry.

Is it OK to use those little curved lines ( ( ) ). If so this could clear up probable confusing (stupid) parts of my poems(disambiguation). I believe it could aid all of these great coaches in the development of my raw talent (Potential).
Great poem by the way!

Your most humble Water Boy,
R.T.

thanks R.T.
don't know about whether you can use (). Ultimately, I just write poems for fun ... so I don't like getting too wrapped around the axle about what I can and can't do. Having said that, let me contradict myself by saying the reason I post on PigPen is because (1) I like the people I meet here, & (2) I guess deep down inside of me that I want to improve my poetry writing ability.
Thanks again.
frank

---

bill bared his ass and said fuck it...we did :J:

the poem at hand...

Coach Milo
fim 9/6/13

In football (American style)
coaches are quite rough.
They often intimidate initiates
with all sorts of reprehensible stuff. a suggest would be lots instead of all sorts.

Never acknowledging the pain of injury
or the existence of fear or doubt, 1 or too many a comma on the previous line would work better.
unless while ridiculing a player the use of unless seems pointless.
always in a high-decibel shout.

It is a well-established culture
that utilizes the fear they don’t acknowledge these words have already been utilized.
to mold a player into a ferocious entity
designed to cause opponents to shudder.

Pregame directives often included
“Unleash the animal from its cage!”
Hit the opponents so viciously is so needed?
“you change their mind about the game.”

As I grew older I learned to embrace,
activities that make more sense.
I enjoy reading and writing poetry,
to sit back, breathe and reflect.

But I have a new appreciation
for my football experience and its adversity.
The conditioning permits me to realize benefit
when Coach Milo critiques my poetry.

the idea of the poem works, i like poetry about real people. they're a good exercise for writing better poetry. what usually happens is what happened here, the horses of the poem's carriage are allowed to run without any reigns. lots of ing words, lots of repetition regarding intent.
there's a decent root for a decent poem but needs a lot of work edit-wise

billy,
I am glad you are alive and well!
Thanks for noticing I posted a response to a helpful critic.
A lot of good things and a single sad thing keeping me pretty busy in life. My poetry urge will shift from neutral to high gear soon. July 21st my 4th oldest child reports in to the USCGA ... it is a pretty rugged way to earn a college education (and eventually a commission) ... it really pulls on a parents heartstrings ... that's when I start writing poetry pretty feverishly.
Anyway, all of the best!
frank

---

I have on occasion,
perhaps once or twice,
asked the inimitable hard ass
for constructive advice.

Via private message
he didn't scorn or lambaste,
in fact to be honest
he was actually nice!

But the secret let slip
that behind closed doors
he's much easier going
than on the locker room floor

I've taken a gamble,
I'm rolling the dice
and my pigpen membership
could pay the ultimate price!!


To save mmy head from the guillotine id better talk about the piece too!!

Fim
I think there's a great humourous piece in here about that stereotypical hard ass coach, but you'll need to tighten the meter (well actually have one I think).

Thanks a lot, I really enjoyed this! t

t,
good vocabulary (imitable/lambast), much better command of meter than I possess & (most importantly for me) you don't sacrifice message for rhyme or the aforementioned meter.
frank