04-14-2014, 05:30 PM
The first half of your first stanza seemed to flow very well, then it kinda flounced and floundered around... I'm new to critiquing poetry and new to certain aspects of writing it as well. So maybe I'm missing something roughly mid stanza throughout the poem we have a renegade line, just chillin in the middle by himself, and I'm like "wtf bro, what are you doin there?" He can't answer me, but he does look awkward and uncomfortable where he is.
Maybe it's just personal preference, but when I read something I like to feel like I started someplace and ended someplace... else. Especially when I read THAT much of something, and to feel like I didn't progress to anywhere from anywhere... idk... maybe I'm biases though, while I believe in respecting animals to their utmost, I'm more of an All Dogs Go To Heaven type of guy ya know... and you had several lines that felt forced like "escarpment" and "statement" maybe technically they rhyme, but they don't really sound like they rhyme, at least not in that rhythm, and "replies" with "arises" I don't think that works in any rhythm.
Maybe it's just personal preference, but when I read something I like to feel like I started someplace and ended someplace... else. Especially when I read THAT much of something, and to feel like I didn't progress to anywhere from anywhere... idk... maybe I'm biases though, while I believe in respecting animals to their utmost, I'm more of an All Dogs Go To Heaven type of guy ya know... and you had several lines that felt forced like "escarpment" and "statement" maybe technically they rhyme, but they don't really sound like they rhyme, at least not in that rhythm, and "replies" with "arises" I don't think that works in any rhythm.