04-08-2014, 12:34 AM
This poem is lacking in clarity. I don't know if it's simply typos such as:
"He eyes which were once blue"
I'm guessing the "he" in this line is supposed to be a "her". Before you post something you really need to get the obvious problems out of the way.
This line is all well and good,
"A lifetime of hate for a moment of greed."
except it is not anticipated by what has come before it in the poem. You obviously think you are imply something here, but it is not at all clear what you think that is. What was her "moment of greed"? Because she wanted to kiss an angel? Where is her "lifetime of hate"? No where in the poem prior to this, is it addressed, only some vague ramblings about her eyes and her soul. I'm not even going to talk about the form as it has been covered well already. The only other thing I would say is if you are going to start with couplets, stick with them. It's very jarring to the reader if you start a certain way, then depart from that, because the reader anticipates that pattern, and expects it to continue. When it does not, the reader begins to ask questions about why, rather than be able to focus on the poem.
Best,
Dale
"He eyes which were once blue"
I'm guessing the "he" in this line is supposed to be a "her". Before you post something you really need to get the obvious problems out of the way.
This line is all well and good,
"A lifetime of hate for a moment of greed."
except it is not anticipated by what has come before it in the poem. You obviously think you are imply something here, but it is not at all clear what you think that is. What was her "moment of greed"? Because she wanted to kiss an angel? Where is her "lifetime of hate"? No where in the poem prior to this, is it addressed, only some vague ramblings about her eyes and her soul. I'm not even going to talk about the form as it has been covered well already. The only other thing I would say is if you are going to start with couplets, stick with them. It's very jarring to the reader if you start a certain way, then depart from that, because the reader anticipates that pattern, and expects it to continue. When it does not, the reader begins to ask questions about why, rather than be able to focus on the poem.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.