04-07-2014, 01:34 PM
This could use more balance. In stanza (paragraph) two, if you read the first and second lines out loud you'll see what I mean. Try getting the lines close to each other in syllables. Also, inverted sentences awkward to read are. For poetic license understand I do, but use as little as possible you should. Only when the rhyme and syllabic meter require it, should you write this way. For example, "with prosperity I hope your life you will populate" is hard to chew on. It takes reading it a few times to get the meaning, as opposed to a rhyme with I hope you will populate your life with prosperity, which also has a nice alliteration to it.
Concerning the subject matter, romance is one of the most intensely used topics in poetry. It's not wrong to write about it (unless I did, writing about my kind of romance would get me banned instantly, but I digress), but cliches have to be avoided. Recognizing the cliches requires reading through romance poetry, which is only a Google search away. From this poem, I see a meaning of a man asking a lady out on a date, and fumbling with his words.
That said, I did enjoy your poem, and I hope to read more poetry from you. Thanks!
Concerning the subject matter, romance is one of the most intensely used topics in poetry. It's not wrong to write about it (unless I did, writing about my kind of romance would get me banned instantly, but I digress), but cliches have to be avoided. Recognizing the cliches requires reading through romance poetry, which is only a Google search away. From this poem, I see a meaning of a man asking a lady out on a date, and fumbling with his words.
That said, I did enjoy your poem, and I hope to read more poetry from you. Thanks!
*Warning: blatant tomfoolery above this line