I Wished I Was The Water -edited

[ellajam]

Hi, Mopkins, welcome. Good job giving critiques.

I find this nicely crafted and a fun read.

For me, "lovesick" is a turnoff, it hinted at a lesser poem than this is, I'd love to see it replaced with something better.

"Then your sweet tongue swept your lip" This was my only trip, the meter did not come naturally to me.
And drew a dew inside. I'm not a fan of "a dew"

Well done, and again, welcome.

The Shower

How I watched you in the shower
All my lovesick thoughts untold
And I wished I was the water
That so wetly, warmly flowed

And beaded on your shining skin
As if by pure attraction;
As if to thus caress you gave
The water satisfaction.

I thought of Zeus as golden rain
O’er lonely Danae streaming
As rivulets of water left
Your body wet and gleaming

And pondered on which lucky drop
I should most like to be
And whereabouts on you to cling
If it were up to me.

Then your sweet tongue swept your lip
And drew a dew inside
Oh blessed fate! To be that drip
And on those lips to die!