04-05-2014, 09:16 AM
You opened this poem quite strong, I love the near rhyme.
The ghost fruit keeps its secrets. Ebon pits,
big as your fist,
And the near rhyme near the end of the first stanza, wonderful. Reads so well out loud.
lively, tiny, doomed. Soon, none will exist.
one shrinking copse, by a waterfall, persists.
This poem is alive with imagery, read/flows very well. I believe it is stronger in the front end, but not so lopsided that it tips. I just think the opening stanza is superbly done. I honestly don’t know what I would do to change anything here, I think it is a fine job.
The ghost fruit keeps its secrets. Ebon pits,
big as your fist,
And the near rhyme near the end of the first stanza, wonderful. Reads so well out loud.
lively, tiny, doomed. Soon, none will exist.
one shrinking copse, by a waterfall, persists.
This poem is alive with imagery, read/flows very well. I believe it is stronger in the front end, but not so lopsided that it tips. I just think the opening stanza is superbly done. I honestly don’t know what I would do to change anything here, I think it is a fine job.