04-01-2014, 01:22 PM
The meter and line length are irregular, but that didn't bother me until
"This seems to be a dream of very bad luck"
Pare it down to:
This seems to be a dream of bad luck,
and you are fine.
Nice creepy play on Alice through the looking glass, via "Toy Story". Glad I'm not a girl, I would be afraid to go to sleep.
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Overall this is a first rate idea, although you falter some in the execution. Shine it up a little, smooth out the dents, and you'll have a very good poem. Publishable even.
Dale
"This seems to be a dream of very bad luck"
Pare it down to:
This seems to be a dream of bad luck,
and you are fine.
Nice creepy play on Alice through the looking glass, via "Toy Story". Glad I'm not a girl, I would be afraid to go to sleep.
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Overall this is a first rate idea, although you falter some in the execution. Shine it up a little, smooth out the dents, and you'll have a very good poem. Publishable even.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.