Cacti

[billy]

First verse to a new poem. Again, sorry I've been so busy...Two days until spring break !

We’d all be cacti if we could;
barbed colossi kept alive
by what the desert rain delivers.
A great green quiver,
deeply planted in sand.
To stand, and brandish spikes,
Hooked, extending from ourselves
Like layers of a shark's bite.
Listless camels of the soil
Letting none know what we hide.

i love the first line.
then for me the metaphors beging to fail.
are cacti all barbed colossi? or just some. a certain specie. ?

for me it leaves the starting theme and i begin to lose that great first line. of course the poem can be about cacti in which case soil should be sand the last line for me says its about people though in which case it feels a little ambiguous and fragile.

by what the in desert rains, would; by what our desert rains work better.

quiver for me doesn't work to well. i can see what you mean but its a visual stretch and i'm pretty smart
i also love the
layers of a shark bite line but it needs to have a better incorperation into the poem

listless camels of the soil ? i know you already used sand and you prob don't want to duplicate it so try and come up with anything but soil.

as usual your originality shines through. for me this is one of those poems that could work better if expanded.

nice start. as for a second verse. i'd like to see it because personally i think you could fit the poem in this verse. thatnks for the read larry