03-26-2014, 01:18 AM
Hello, 71 Degrees. I enjoyed your poem and the surreal feel to some of it.
The continuity from verse 2 to 3 threw me a bit (In v2 the narrator is "patiently explaining",
but in v3 " sits quietly", hope that makes sense).
There are 6 "the" in the first 8 lines of v2, one could be cut, and maybe 2.
The line " in a series of low tones" works well for the connotation of muted colours.
I liked the words below to describe your voice.
"my soft voice
almost a dutch mixture
of color, light, and texture"
Thank you. JG
The continuity from verse 2 to 3 threw me a bit (In v2 the narrator is "patiently explaining",
but in v3 " sits quietly", hope that makes sense).
There are 6 "the" in the first 8 lines of v2, one could be cut, and maybe 2.
The line " in a series of low tones" works well for the connotation of muted colours.
I liked the words below to describe your voice.
"my soft voice
almost a dutch mixture
of color, light, and texture"
Thank you. JG