03-25-2014, 02:46 AM
Hiya L Oquence, your poem did not come across as graphic to me. ( You could probably drop that from the title without causing fear of offence).
The flow of the poem was not smooth for me. It held no vibrancy. Lines like the ones below were the cause of this.
"Let me describe what I do, if you can bear the synopsis.
In your view I am looming, I have no care for your comments.
From the darkness arisen, in my position I’ll injure.
I am the scariest and, don’t go preparing a plan".
I did like the line below.
"One friend is my knife, and he will stab with obedience"
I wanted to read it has, "My friend is my knife". You could drop the "and".
Thank you. JG
The flow of the poem was not smooth for me. It held no vibrancy. Lines like the ones below were the cause of this.
"Let me describe what I do, if you can bear the synopsis.
In your view I am looming, I have no care for your comments.
From the darkness arisen, in my position I’ll injure.
I am the scariest and, don’t go preparing a plan".
I did like the line below.
"One friend is my knife, and he will stab with obedience"
I wanted to read it has, "My friend is my knife". You could drop the "and".
Thank you. JG