Hey, there's nothing wrong with polysyllabic rhymes 
For my part, I quite enjoyed the read but would LOVE to see this rendered into some regular meter and true rhymes instead of those slants. Having said that, the essence of a sonnet is communication of thought/emotion/philosophy in a lyrical manner and once you are more comfortable with the way written poetry works, I suspect you'll have no trouble relaxing into the form.
Once you have a good read of the meter threads and sonnet practices, get your chosen meter stuck in your head and let the words fall around it. A metronome, a drum beat or just banging it out on the desk will definitely help. I still do that and I've been playing this game for a million years.
PS. The first sonnets I wrote were in heptameter, i.e. seven iambs (14 syllables) per line. Worked perfectly well.
For my part, I quite enjoyed the read but would LOVE to see this rendered into some regular meter and true rhymes instead of those slants. Having said that, the essence of a sonnet is communication of thought/emotion/philosophy in a lyrical manner and once you are more comfortable with the way written poetry works, I suspect you'll have no trouble relaxing into the form. Once you have a good read of the meter threads and sonnet practices, get your chosen meter stuck in your head and let the words fall around it. A metronome, a drum beat or just banging it out on the desk will definitely help. I still do that and I've been playing this game for a million years.
PS. The first sonnets I wrote were in heptameter, i.e. seven iambs (14 syllables) per line. Worked perfectly well.
It could be worse