03-25-2010, 09:15 AM
She sat
by the bedroom window,
her sights more distant
than snowflakes
descending
from the winter moon.
Descending from the winter moon sounds a bit cliche.
Otherwise the stanza is solid, besides the sniping
In her arms,
a heart is locked
inside a little treasure chest.
Third line seems weak/ awkward. Might want to take out "little" and play with it a bit
Last stanza is excellent.
All I have to offer, and I agree with the other criticisms.
by the bedroom window,
her sights more distant
than snowflakes
descending
from the winter moon.
Descending from the winter moon sounds a bit cliche.
Otherwise the stanza is solid, besides the sniping
In her arms,
a heart is locked
inside a little treasure chest.
Third line seems weak/ awkward. Might want to take out "little" and play with it a bit
Last stanza is excellent.
All I have to offer, and I agree with the other criticisms.
"To risk is to lose your footing. To avoid risk is to lose yourself"
-Soren Kierkegaard
-Soren Kierkegaard